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I just want to think about what I have done again
I want to move on somehow but I'm scared of being all that I ever was
Will I see it all again?
I'm stuck in between wanting to be around and being gone
I don't know where to start
Someone knows the answers but won't tell me
I'm so confused
I made a big mess up
I don't know who to trust
Just making trouble
I don't know where I'm going
Don't know what's going down
My life is a hassle
I swear, they'd be better off without me
I just cause problems
I'm not a monster
I'm just a confused kid
I need help, but I don't know where to start
I need help, but where do I even start?
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2. |
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I want to be my own person
My mother always wouldn't let me
She wanted me to be another version of her
But that's not what I wanted, you see
I struggle in school
And she used that as an excuse
To harm me; to control me
To track me
I miss my father
He was my rock
But my mother chipped at him
Until he broke and fled
I was then stuck with her
Giving her full control over me
And I tried to break free
But I couldn't snap the binds
Until you came around
I can't thank you enough
I don't know how you did it
But Ventuni, you saved me
You and your family
Stopped my mother
From taking me back
So she could harm me
Still she tracked me to your house
In the morning she tried to drag me back
But Grenaron, your mother
Pinned her down to protect me
You, your family, and your friends
Accept me for my imperfections
You allow me to be
The person that I want to be
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3. |
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Nobody should be perfect
I don't know why your mother couldn't see that
She abused you for not being at your best
Controlled every aspect of your life
Made you hide the scars that she inflicted on you
And made your father flee from you
Leaving you stuck with your abuser
Your father must've been a great man
But it's a shame that your mother scared him away
But you don't need to be scared anymore
You are safe with us
No one is perfect
I'm not perfect; you're not perfect
Nobody should be perfect
Imperfections are what makes us who we are
I'll never understand
A megalomaniac like your mother
I'm not like that
I won't force perfection on you
Be your own self, Marun
Don't let anyone tell you that you can't
You can be brave; you can be creative
You are caring; you are a person
No matter what your mom has said
You're great as you are
We're not perfect
Kritorya went off the deep end
We didn't know how to help him
And he did something
That ended with him in prison
And I know that this eats away at Ventuni
Because he feels like he could have stopped him
But there was no way of knowing
What Kritorya was going to do
But all we can do
Is help each other move on from the past
We can't change what's happened
But we can make the future better
By helping each other move forward
No one is perfect
I'm not perfect; you're not perfect
Nobody should be perfect
Imperfections are what makes us who we are
Don't feel afraid, Marun
Be who you want to be
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4. |
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I'm afraid of failing someone again
I just want to help everyone
But I can't shake this thought
That I failed my brother
The fateful night before
The incident occurred
Kritorya had a breakdown
And I couldn't calm him down
And I feel if I could
I could have saved him from doing what he did
But I let him down
I couldn't save him
Why do I keep beating myself up
Over something I couldn't control?
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5. |
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I know you regret what you did
But, Okalo, we're not mad
That's all in the past
So leave in the past
Write down a poem
We'll make music out of it
The only thing I want
Is for you to be happy
You deserve to be happy
Everyone deserves to be happy
We all care about you
We'll help you get through this
Leave it in the past
Write down a poem
We'll make music out of it
Pick up an instrument
We'll let the emotions flow
The only thing I want
Is for you to be happy
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6. |
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I don't how many times I have to say it
You are nothing
A worthless excuse of a son
You will never stand up for yourself
You will always hide
You will never fight
How will you ever survive
In the real world?
The real world, kid, will eat you alive
And I will watch from the sidelines
As it renders you apart
Just ashes to the wind
You mean nothing to me
Write your "poetry" all you want
Nothing will ever make you change
I know what you truly are
You're just a mistake of a son
And if the world doesn't shred you to bits
Then I'll be the one to finish the job
Slowly as I possibly can
So that's you give in before I put an end to you
I will tear you apart
Until there is nothing left
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7. |
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I see you're constantly miserable
You're hiding scars behind lies
Something happening behind closed doors
And I think I just realized
A broken soul wandering this dimension
These lines are stretching way too far
Grasping onto all that you needed
And snapping apart one by one
As you watch them fall into a void
And you start losing all your control
As it all falls apart once again
And their claws come down on you again
Well, we've had enough of watching you fall
And there's people here that care for you
And there's no way I'm letting this go on
I'm going to break you out of this hell
If I can help you out of your hell
And if I can figure out how to break this spell
I'll find a way
You say you're scarred all around
No one should go through this at all
It's sickening at a young age
That you were being forced to go through this all
No way am I letting you go through more abuse
I will save you from that hell
You don't deserve all that neglect
What they are doing to you is not right
And this hell that you're forced to endure
I will not let this go on longer
It disgusts me knowing that this has
Been going on for five years
I am not letting you stay there more
If it means you're going to be abused
So I'm saving you from that hell
I'm going to help you to escape
If I can help you out of your hell
And if I can figure out how to break this spell
I'll find a way
And I'll find a way
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8. |
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I never want to go back to that place
I want that chapter of my life to end
Never going to step foot in that house again
All the terrible memories of that place
All I want to do is stay here
I feel way more safer here than there
I'm never going to go back to that
Vacant home fear center
All my father ever did was abuse me
I couldn't escape that painful place
You, however, helped guide me out
I can't tell you how grateful I am
You saved me from my father
You're more a father than he was
That abuse went on for five years
Until you managed to get me out
I will never return
To that vacant home fear center
I am no longer stuck
In that vacant home fear center
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9. |
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We can't go back in time
I wish I could erase your pain
But it's etched in stone
I can't believe he did all of that to you
You never deserved that abuse
Your father is not a father
One doesn't harm their child
That man is a sad excuse of a man
Don't feel fear
You are always welcome here
I will not harm you
I will protect you
I will be the father that you deserve
What could he not see in you?
You're a bright child
Who he dimmed the lights of
You have a deep imagination
You have your own dimension
You have a talent of writing poetry
I know you have what it takes
To accomplish your dreams
You're not a failure
No matter what your father told you
Don't feel fear
You are always welcome here
I will not harm you
I will protect you
I will be the father that you deserve
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10. |
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Don't be sad, Okalo
I know I'm lying here
On a hospital bed
But I weighed the cost
It was worth it in my eyes
While I may not have stopped your dad
I managed to help stop him at least
So I feel I did my part
My parents are freaking out
I'm aware of that
I saw how scared and worried they were
As your foster mom stayed by my bedside
Let's not think of the past
Let's just think of the now
I feel so bad for you
You didn't deserve a dad like that
But trust me when I know
Mreah's dad will take care of you well
He's a good guy
Your dad was not
But he can't hurt you anymore
Please remember that
While I did get hurt by your dad
Which left me bed-ridden
I don't want you to beat yourself up about that
I just wanted to protect you
Let's not think of the past
Let's just think of the now
I care about you, Okalo
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11. |
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How do I stop feeling like this?
Why can't I get happy anymore?
They all want me to be
What I used to be
A happy, hopeful child
But I can't be like this
I've been trying so hard to change
But the fear of losing the house
The fear of seeing my little sister
Suffering on the streets
Chips away at me
How do I not fear over poverty?
How do I start being happy again?
How do I stop being scared?
How do I stop?
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12. |
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I wish I could fight off
The demons you've been dealing with
That are destroying you from within
You are not a failure
I will never call you that
I understand it's been confusing lately
And you say your life is falling apart
But I will not let you crumble
You're not better off dead
We all want you to be around
Don't fall down
I wish I could fight off
The demons you've been dealing with
That are destroying you from within
But we need your help
You can't fight them by yourself
You gotta let us help you
You gotta let your friends help too
We won't let you fall
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13. |
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I let the family down
I'm sorry for what I've done
But I have to do the time
For my actions
One day I will get out
And I'll leave this behind
And I will be better
I will fix what I've done
Why did I do what I did?
I am filled with regret
No one should have gotten hurt
Even though no one died
It doesn't excuse anything
Ventuni, please, don't beat yourself up
None of this is your fault
Only I am to blame
I'm the one that tried to rob that place
I'm the one who hurt others
You had no involvement
I was out of my mind
Don't blame yourself
For not being able to calm me down
The night before I did the crime
I cannot stress enough
That you are not at fault
And I'm sorry that I did what I did
You deserve a better brother than me
But I will try to be a better brother
I will try to be a better son
This will take a while
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14. |
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It doesn't matter what you've done
I'll always be there for you
You are always my son
I will be here when the time comes
For your release
I'll be here
I know we'll manage through
I won't give up on you
And to the other; You are brave
There's no way I will push you away
I'm behind you for what you do
You have a bright future ahead
I know it's hard to understand
What depression truly is
But through your art, and your caring side
You know we'll help you to get through
You are going places
Both of you
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I may reside in a different dimension
But I am still your guardian
You're not alone in the dimensional plane
I will stick around
Whenever you need me
You know where to find me
The lake can get dangerous
But I will guard this place
You might not see me a lot
But I am still your guardian
Remember that I'll be here
Whenever you need to be comforted
Whenever you need to be somewhere else
You have this dimension to go to
This world is foreign to you
This dimension is personal for you
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16. |
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No one can know
What was happening behind closed doors
But I can tell you, that I won't leave you
Like she did
And don't feel sad
No, don't feel scared
I am always here
You are someone to be loved
How you care about everyone
Is admirable
When Okalo needed help
You were there for him
When Uutenaro came around
And tried to kill your daughter
And her best friend
You never gave up
You protected everyone the best way you could
I am grateful that I met you
So always remember
You are someone to be loved
I won't let you beat yourself up
You are the greatest man I met
Caring, courageous, loving
You're not a coward
You never were
You rescued an abused child
From their awful father
And no matter what Okalo did in the past
We love him as our own
And never forget that
You are someone to be loved
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17. |
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It was a long route
To get from there to here
From nervous breakdowns
To standing up for me
To protect me from Uutenaro
I've watched as you became brave
When your mother left
It took a toll on you
I know she meant a lot to you
But she never gave a reason for leaving
She just one day left and never came back
And it hurt me to see you so broken down
But things are now better
Falling into the right places
We will get better
And we got better
We both had a journey
Of becoming brave
I saw the change in you
Starting to surface
Back in the palace
In a different dimension
As the place got swarmed
And I struggled hard
Chaos was everywhere
We got involved with
A crazy organization
That wanted to sacrifice us
But with the friends we made
We managed to stop them
All the souls they stole
Were returned to where they belong
Well, at least most
And we were brought back
To our school
To our dimension
And ever since then
We've been there for the people who need us
And we won't give up on our friends
And we won't give up on our family
And we will always be there for each other
We became brave
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18. |
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We will reach that point
Where we will have peace again in our lives
It will take a long time
I know that for a fact
It will take a long time
And I will have your back
The clouds were everywhere
But can't you see how they are breaking apart now?
It will take a long time
I know that for a fact
It will take a long time
And I will have your back
The light is shining again
You seem to be so much more happy
It will take a long time
I know that for a fact
It will take a long time
And I will have your back
Better things will come
It's finally within your grasp yet again
It will take a long time
I know that for a fact
It will take a long time
And I will have your back
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19. |
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I want to tell you
That you are braver than you think
All the abuse that you went through
While it did break you
And your dad has no excuse for doing what he did
You are still around
You are braver than you think
The history shall stay in the past
Let's not think about it
Don't let the past define who you are
The past doesn't matter anymore
All the pain your dad inflicted on you
What you did to Ventuni and me
None of that matters anymore
I'm glad to be your friend
I'm glad to be your sister
I don't care about what happened in the past
I'll stay here for you
We all will help you through
I know that deep down
You are braver than you think
You stood up to your father
When he threatened your life
When he fought with my dad
When he hurt Suforo, your best friend
You stood up for the ones you care about
I want you to know that
You are braver than you think
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I regret waiting this long
To see you again
It took me a while to tell you this
I'm sorry for leaving
You needed me, and I broke under pressure
I'm sorry that I went to the psych ward
Karthosta snapped me
And I had to go
This is all Karthosta's fault
This is all Karthosta's fault
This is no one else's fault
You were never at fault
Now that I am out
Of the psych ward
I can see you again
But I can't take care of you
I don't think I ever can
Thinking about it makes me anxious
I really failed as a mother
I should have always been there for you
I can't change the past
Karthosta left his mark
And it was more like a crater in the earth
A bigger destruction than I could ever fathom
I'm sorry both your parents suck
I should have been able to do better
But your new parents
They're the parents you deserve
Gah, you've grown up so much
You look way more braver
You seem so much more happier
Despite those scars on your face
That he left on you
I see how that light I remember
Starts shining again
It's so warming to see again
I can't take care of you anymore
But I will never leave your life
I'll be around now
I won't go away again
I guess I'm at fault too
I should have tried harder to stop him
You needed me more than anything at a time like that
But I just couldn't do anything
This is not all Karthosta's fault
This is not all Karthosta's fault
I'm at fault as well
But you were never at fault
Now that I'm finally here
I've been waiting so long for this
I need to tell you this so badly
I am so proud of you, Okalo
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21. |
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The words that my dad left me
Were just made to break me
But now that he's gone
I can move on
I can rebuild myself
I need you all to help me
I know I can't do this alone
My father was the dam
To my self-confidence river
I want to flow again
Change is needed right now
My past needs to be left behind
If I have a chance of moving on
This is a team effort
I need you all to support me
I think I finally see the sun
For what it truly is
A beam of hope and happiness
I never knew that sunshine
Was never away from my grasp
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This album, and side project in general, follows five struggling families as they try to move on from their past, or escape a tumultuous life. This album is very heavy. It hits on topics of depression, suicide, domestic abuse, crime, self-doubt. If this hits too close for home, and trust me, it hits really close to home for me, too, you can skip this project. No one is forcing you to listen to this. I made this story and these characters, (with the exception of Marun,) as comfort. I based the lives of these characters off of my life, my family, and the people I know. All of this is a passion project to help me cope with the awful childhood I had.
There is a comic included with the download that shows Okalo escaping his father, and it is a very heavy comic. I'm warning you now if that doesn't bode well with you. You don't have to look at it.
For a more in-depth view of the characters. Well, "in-depth" is really pushing it, but yeah.
docs.google.com/document/d/1xfweMHqD-4pP-us1OCGfSSSWLggOEho9e8eyj5CKG5E/edit?usp=sharing
Also, Soundation at it again with screwing me over with sound quality.
released December 26, 2021
Writing: Rafe LaNore
Editing: Rafe LaNore
Producing: Rafe LaNore
Acoustic guitar, ukulele, kalimba, kazoo, steel drum, grand piano, electric piano, harmonica: Rafe LaNore
Art: Rafe LaNore
Story: Rafe LaNore, with additional help from Mike, Nightshade, LV, and everyone else in White Palace
Marun character credit: Mike
